Numb

You know… one day a long long time ago, I believed I was a strong, independent, care-free woman who was ready to take on anything. Fast forward some years to my quarter life crisis age, where I’m sitting here, at midnight, numb.

Numb?

It’s so weird to say. So weird to think. How can one physically feel numb?
Is it the stress of two jobs to pay off debt you stupidly acquired when you were 21? Is it managing being a customer service representative for an insurance company in the middle of inflation?…. IN FLORIDA! Or maybe it’s that your best friend (my dog of course) is turning grey. His eyes foggy. His legs are weak. His hearing is fading away.

Numb is a broad feeling. A scary one. A strange one.
Somewhere deep inside of me, I know that I am meant to be something in this world. Literally anything. I can be who I want, do what I want, go where ever in this world I want.

But I’m here.

Trapped in a day in/day out situation, going through the motions of my everyday struggles, and I’m more worried about my 8 year old German Shepherd.
I never believed that I could feel like I failed. Like I failed someone. Like I keep failing someone. But here I am. And that someone is me.
I am failing me.
But how? I have the best support system I have ever had. I am lucky.

I am understanding of that.

I also understand that childhood trauma can cause adult numbness. Feelings. Abandonment. Daddy issues, if you will.
Fear of another “man” walking out of your life as if they are the same person. Fear of speaking your mind because you always got brought right back down to the sad place we call, Earth.

One day I’ll know my self worth. One day I will know who I am. One day I will be everything for someone. One day I’ll stop feeling trapped.

& one day… I will stop being numb.

-MB